Ways to Find out what Homeowners’ Insurance Covers

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Walk down hall with coffee mug in one hand, soda can from son’s room in other. One goes into microwave, one goes into recycle bin. Get the two confused. Run like Baywatch-slow-mo as realization sets in. Get there just in time to rescue aluminum can from inside the microwave. Emit “phew” dodging-bullet noise. 

PS I couldn’t find a clean version of the Baywatch-slow-motion run to post, so here’s a slow-mo ninja cat instead. Enjoy!

Ways to Do Unintentional Science Experiments

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Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

Put in coffee grounds. Forget to put water into coffeemaker. Turn on. Wait one minute. Wonder why it’s not perking. Open lid. Pour in water. Poof! A puff of air like a glaucoma test on steroids. Duck! Bob! Weave! Flying coffee grounds, incoming!  Get pinged repeatedly. Feels like hot sand on a beach. Emit semi-French words not permissible on most blogs. Consider tea instead.

Mother’s Day Ode

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Relatives tell me I look a lot like my late mother (she would never have liked the term late, for indeed, she was always on time for any appointment).

While we do share some characteristics (like the patented “snort and cackle” when laughing – the snackle, if you will) and a penchant for saying to unresponsive teen-age ears, “Enunciate!,” I’d have to say we were not really all that similar.

  •  She spoke five languages.
  •  I speech wun (Inglich).
  •  She played Bach like nobody’s business.
  •  I play the radio like a professional.
  •  She was genteel and cultured.
  •  I am kinda like, from Jersey (she was too, but seemed less so, if youse know what’m sayin.)
  •  She was always in my corner and cheered me on no matter what.
  •  I was oblivious to her encouragement until it wasn’t there anymore.

Thank you, Lord, for the mother you gifted me with.  I hope she’s snackling up there with you, playing a fugue on the piano and sitting in that log cabin she always pined for.  God bless all the mothers, always in our hearts.

Cranky Pants and Coffee Cups

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On the news this morning, researchers announced that having four cups of coffee per day can reduce the risk of suicide by 50%.

Okay.

You sure it’s the coffee?

Could it be that, if you have time for four cups of coffee you’re not out working in a coal mine? That you have a desk, an office even, nice crisp white collar. You’re not out digging ditches. Your bills are paid (mostly) and you have a 401K.

Could that be it?

You sure it’s the coffee?

Could it be that people who are having four cups of coffee are usually doing it at a break room table with other people. I think this is referred to as “socializing” with “friends.” Some regard this as having an emotional support network.

You sure it’s the coffee?

But hey. You guys did the research. You got the government grant. You screened out all the other variables that might have an impact.  Right? So it must be the coffee.

Sorry about the sarcasm, good people. I’ve only had two cups of coffee this morning, so I still have my crankypants on. Talk to me two cups from now and I’m sure I’ll be right as rain!